my goodness. how is it that i have left this wonderful space all by itself for so long, i hear you asking.

well.

there was the novel. (and yes, i did get to 50,000 words, though i still have not finished the beast itself. almost! final scenes left to write!)

and then there was pre-christmas mania, being headhunted for a new job, saying yes to new job, crazy shit going down at my old job in a not great way, wedding planning, so much wedding planning, buying things for christmas, buying things for the wedding, many many obligatory social functions, arguments, tears, emotional cold wars (not with the fianc, let me add), setting of boundaries and keeping them despite the previous two points, oh and did i mention christmas?

in all of this, one of the things that makes me saddest is the fact that we still have not found the time to put up our christmas tree. every time we're at home and have time we wind up lying on the couch in a state of semi-comatose exhaustion. i may or may not have gotten all teary about this on the weekend. in response, the fianc strode out of the room. (i kept lying on the couch.) a few minutes later he came back and stuck a piece of paper on the wall with some blu-tack.

it had a christmas tree carefully drawn on it in blue pen, and underneath it said (just in case it wasn't clear):

TREE


he really is the sweetest. now i almost don't want to put up our 'real' tree, because i kind of love his thoughtfulness of the makeshift paper tree. and the point of it, as well - if the true spirit of christmas is giving and generosity and loving people, there is nothing wrong with loving yourself a little and giving yourself a break to rest. this can be SUCH a crazy time of year. this year, i am just trying not to push myself too hard. and i'm quite openly looking forward to boxing day - on which i plan to do absolutely nothing.

posting might be light in november as i try to kick my ass into gear and write the terrible novel that's been wandering around in my head.

right now, the fianc is interstate "on business". he often is, but i've learned to mostly like these funny solo gal nights. right now it's brandy, watching bones and hopefully soon bed with purry cats.

(fianc away would be much harder without the two furry people. cat people, that is. they're very good at insisting on lots of attention and licking my nose.)

tgiff.

today i spent the entire day fighting off a screen headache. standard strength neurofen made it sort of go away for a while, but by 4pm it was back with a vengeance. by 5.30 when i left work i was nauseous and dizzy. (good thing my job involves staring at a screen all day, hey.)

here is my solution for the borderline migraine i just made go away:

super strong neurofen plus forte genius extreme. x 2.

lie down in a dark room with an eye mask on for extra darkness. allow no sounds.

(for bonus points do this naked between flannel sheets. they are very comforting.)

when the throbbing and buzzing has completely ceased, and you can take the eye mask off without the light hurting your brain again, get up. SLOWLY.

the nausea will still be present. fix this with four or more pieces of sourdough bread, intermixed with bites of tasty cheese. eat slowly and appreciate the comfort food. (if this is not your comfort food, substitute appropriate alternatives. however, i highly recommend carbs.)

wash down with beer. (if it interacts with the insaneo strong painkillers, all the better. maybe don't drive anywhere though.)

now you may look at your computer screen again. carefully. if any signs of repeat headache even suggest themselves to you, flee the area.

p.s.

i didn't think it was possible for me to be excited about a wedding dress any more. i've done so much research that white blindness has become second nature to me. (and that i know what the phrase "white blindness" refers to. here's a hint: not skiing.) i've done so much research that there were points in time where even the words "wedding" and "dress" in the one sentence were enough to make me simultaneously slightly nauseous, and FURIOUS for no apparent reason. i was pretty sure that i had done SO much research that i had seen every wedding dress known to man and i hated all of them without exception, because the research had made me physically ill. i had been to salons, i had been to normal dress shops, i had been to indie dress shops, i had been to op shops (thrift stores), and of course i had scoured the internet with a fine tooth comb.

and after all that, i was semi-seriously considering a bikini wedding (and yes, that would be a bikini wedding elopement, for surely obvious reasons) because by that point i hated all the wedding dresses so much i would happily have set them on fire.

but. BUT. here's the kicker.

i found myself sitting in my office this morning trying not to squeal out loud about the colour of chiffon petticoats. and not in an ironic way. in an actual, OMGperfectcolourOMG, i am twelve years old, squeal-y way. because i think i am actually going to like my dress.

(and also because i have lost my mind, clearly. i said to my friend, "i am excited about chiffon. aliens have abducted my brain". he replied, "well, yes. but at least it isn't permanent.")

discussing very final dress decision

me: both [dress options] would be beautiful
friend: that is a tough decision! and both so close together!
me: yes!
at the same time, i would love them both
i think one is a bit more classic
(the lace one)
but actually, the tulle would make me look more "bridal" than the lace, maybe
friend: yeah they both have elements of that classic bridal look
gosh
i am always inclined towards the more fun option
you should print out life size versions of both
me: HAHAHA
life size cutouts! OF MYSELF!
rofl
this is clearly the most appropriate bridal thing to do.
friend: yes
that would not look at all crazy
use the large plan printer at work since the office is empty
me: hahahaha
and then propping them up in my office
and covering them with PRO or CON postit notes.
friend: 'i don't like this cuff'
'this strap could be 3mm wider'
do itttttt


(no, i have not done this. yet.)

things that inevitably bring improvement to an otherwise fairly shitty day:

feta cheese and crackers
dry white wine (not too cold, must be able to actually taste said wine)
cuddles and superb listening skills from the fianc
cats demanding attention and chasing crumpled paper balls all over the house
trackpants and slippers
magnetic fields
georgette heyer novels awaiting me
marinated salmon and salad for dinner (to offset all the cheese)
fianc. again. because he is just really extra-specially great when i've had a crappy day.

bring on summer

this weekend was a really fantastic, tumultuous, complicated, relief of a weekend. i felt like i hadn't had a weekend in MONTHS. not a proper one.

i realise now that a lot of this is that the sun finally came out. properly. not in that wimpy, hey it's going to rain again soon and go back to being 15 degrees, way that it has occasionally throughout winter. it was actually warm for the first time in ... since what, May? i turned pink from sitting outside at lunchtime on sunday! i cannot underestimate just how much good some sunshine will do. (not the burny cancerous part, the vitamin d part.) i felt alive again. makes me want to move to the gold coast and sunbake through winter every year.

also, and in no particular order:

i found a wedding dress that makes my heart sing
i had breakfast and lunch (in the one day!) with a lady who is making me happy with a new kind of friendship
i had time to lie around with the fianc and not feel exhausted
i had a big, good, much needed cry. or two.
i did things just for myself
i talked to my mum properly for the first time in months. (missed her a lot.)
i ate one of my favourite summer foods, and it was delish
i started to actually feel really 'me' about the wedding - like it's for us, not somebody else

and tonight i got home from work, and the sun was still shining, and it was warm, and i went for my favourite run with lady gaga pumping in my ears and the wind from the sea through my hair.

things are looking up!